I just can’t COPE, Mr Bond

I just cannot COPE with this. Down with the People! Down with the Masses! Cheers to the Greens. Cheers to the educated fools. No money. No honey. VAT coming soon. Eat, drink or die. If you people cannot COPE how do you expect the lawmakers to COPE?


by Bandula Jayasekara 

( October 27, 2016, Colombo, Sri Lanka Guardian) You all are aware that I am the Minister for Nothing to do in this Socialist (not always) Democratic (not always) Republic of Sri Lanka (sometimes, I don’t see the Siri part). It is true I have nothing to do at all and I get paid by the poor taxpayers’ money for doing nothing. I also got a duty free permit and bought a Hummer with it, and also sold the other duty free permit and made over 44 million bucks. Cool isn’t it? With that money I go clubbing overseas.

Please don’t blame me if you cannot COPE because I was appointed to do nothing by His Excellency the President and the Honourable Prime Minister to this very important post, Minister for Nothing to do of the Yahapalana Government of the Un-Socialist Un Democratic Government of Sri Lanka. I know that you people are reading the newspapers and watching TV on how we are performing these days. I am of the view that we are performing very well these days under duress, and under very difficult circumstances. Our performance is so good that the Public Performance Board of Sri Lanka has given us a very good performance certificate. They have given us multi ratings for multi tasking and for our excellent performances. Day Time is for Families Only and night time is only for Adults. At times we even perform for teens and the youth.

The Honourable Prime Minister, by special powers vested in him by the constitution of the island nation, appointed me as a special representative of the Committee – COPE. I really do not know what COPE stands for. For a moment I thought it might be like the Coop, Coup or even the Cooperative society of Veyangoda. I am also the champion of economics and I have a doctorate in Misinformation from Trump and Hilary Universities in New York. No. I don’t drive an ambulance. I promote ambulances from India for the sick and the suffering masses.

These COPE members I represent cannot cope at all. They fight, attack each other, get into fisticuffs, punch, bully, pinch, use knuckle dusters, change reports, hurl abuse, spit on each other, issue press statements and have press conferences. Everything under the sun happens here.

The Chairman fellow wearing the Red Shirt said we all should stand as one and we have to learn to COPE with it. He was not a bad man. Bit weak though. At one crucial meeting we all wore green shirts and Bermudas. One of our members came in an Aston Martin for the meeting. I was the only cabinet minister and all others were deputy chaps. Our dear leader didn’t want to make them ministers for reasons best known to him. You wouldn’t believe the rumpus these fellows created at the meeting. They shouted and howled. I couldn’t believe they were lawyers, doctors and even actors. When I tried to calm them down they shouted me down saying “Listen You old chap. You are a cabinet minister and we are still suffering as deputies. It is time we entered the cabinet. It is not your job to calm us down. We are here to do a hatchet job for our dear leader for life. So, don’t try to calm us down”

For a moment I went red and blue. However, I quickly realised that I was green like the Incredible Hulk. I wondered what colour our President was. People expected him to be colourless and colour blind, I know. This was a truly confusing moment. I had faced many obstacles in my political life. I have lost many elections, many wives and girlfriends, many commissions, many overseas trips and many, many things but, not a situation like this ever in my life. No wonder someone said that truth is stranger than fiction.

I just cannot COPE with this. Down with the People! Down with the Masses! Cheers to the Greens. Cheers to the educated fools. No money. No honey. VAT coming soon. Eat, drink or die. If you people cannot COPE how do you expect the lawmakers to COPE?

Don’t Learn. Don’t Depart. Just open a Central Bank and become a Mr Bond. (Sorry Ian Fleming – May you rest in Peace)

( Bandula Jayasekara is a journalist and a regular columnist for the Island, a Colombo based daily, where this piece first appeared) 

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